I’ve ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS put other people first. My entire life my needs have come last. A character flaw… maybe. But I am also the most caring person you will ever meet. I cherish my family and friends and would do anything for them. I will be there in the middle of the night if someone asked me to.
But me asking for help--- that’s a different story.
The hardest part about preparing for this surgery is getting my life in order beforehand. I am organized to a fault. My friends laugh at me because my list have list. BUT, when they need to know the date of something, where to park for recital or what to bring to school… who do they call? You guessed it, ME!
I love being the go-to gal! My organization brings me pleasure! I love the way a new fresh calendar feels, filling in all the dates… but I’m getting off subject.
Before I could muster up the courage to ask anyone for help I had to make lists. What camps the girls have, what they should wear to camp, what they need to take with them, who’s going to drive them… uh oh… I think I have a problem…no driving for at least 2 weeks… Time to ask for help!
I have managed to ask a few people for help with the girls. It is still not easy for me though. I’m learning to say yes, I need you and Thank You.
Today I gave in to help with feeding my family. I’ve been putting it off (kind of like getting on the scale). What I have is curable (thank-God!) Until today I didn’t see the need in giving in to people bringing dinner to my house every night. A few weeks in bed, no lifting for 6 weeks and eventually I’ll be better than new… why should I let people bring us food? But this to I’ve had to realize is best for my family. My DH hasn’t even boiled a pot of water in 15 years and my family has to eat. I also think it’s an easy thing that people can do to feel that they have helped.
There’s an amazing website called mealtrain that makes bringing dinner to people’s houses (for a number of reasons ie, new baby, surgery…etc) very easy. We’ll see how it works. There’s even a place to put a request for no green peppers!
What I have learned today…
It’s ok to ask for help. (Some) people don’t even mind!
For at least 2 weeks of my life I’m going to have to let go of my organization and most importantly control!
It’s nice when someone says, “I’ll be there to help you Thursday” Not, “Call me if you need me”
It’s ok to ask for help (still working on this one):)
Monday, June 21, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
My decision
The decision was easy. (Well, kind of.) We know were done having kids. We’re very happy and satisfied with our two precious girls. But removing my uterus is a very final decision.
It has caused me nothing but pain and problems for 20 years… letting it go should be easy.
My body is a funny thing (I have to try and find some humor in all this). Today I think I’ve seen every baby commercial that has been on tv. As the tears welled up in my eyes,
“Am I doing the right thing? This is such a final decision” the pain started.
It started in my lower back (as it usually does) and slowly creeped around to my middle. As the sharp pains are stabbing my stomach and tears are streaming down my face I know I HAVE NO CHOICE. My body is sending my every sign and signal.
I can’t spend the rest of my life wondering what if, why me and when. I am having this surgery at 33 years of age to regain my life. I have spent more of my life in pain than pain free. I am typing this with two heating pads wrapped around me. I want to know what it’s like to be me… pain free.
How long will I mourn the loss of what makes me a woman? Will I ever be able to hold a friends baby without wondering what if?
In precious time my emotional and physical scars will heal.
One thing I have learned-is that in time I will heal.
It has caused me nothing but pain and problems for 20 years… letting it go should be easy.
My body is a funny thing (I have to try and find some humor in all this). Today I think I’ve seen every baby commercial that has been on tv. As the tears welled up in my eyes,
“Am I doing the right thing? This is such a final decision” the pain started.
It started in my lower back (as it usually does) and slowly creeped around to my middle. As the sharp pains are stabbing my stomach and tears are streaming down my face I know I HAVE NO CHOICE. My body is sending my every sign and signal.
I can’t spend the rest of my life wondering what if, why me and when. I am having this surgery at 33 years of age to regain my life. I have spent more of my life in pain than pain free. I am typing this with two heating pads wrapped around me. I want to know what it’s like to be me… pain free.
How long will I mourn the loss of what makes me a woman? Will I ever be able to hold a friends baby without wondering what if?
In precious time my emotional and physical scars will heal.
One thing I have learned-is that in time I will heal.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
It's Time
It’s time… I’ve known for 20 years that this day was coming. Since I was 13 years old they’ve told me.
The pain started when I was a teenager… she complains a lot… she’s a teenager, she doesn’t know how she feels… it’s all in her head… only my mother and eventually my “lifesaver” dr believed me. After a battery of test, a colonoscopy, numerous trips to a psychiatrist- finally a diagnosis, endometriosis. Laparoscopic surgery to try and remove the endo was the first option.
I still remember opening my eyes after the surgery and saying,
“was it there?”
“Oh yeah” the dr replied “It was bad”.
After each surgery things got better for a while and then it would come back. The constant pain, the backache, the upset stomachs, the exhaustion… it always came back.
6 surgeries later I wanted to try something else. A new dr in Alabama tried physical therapy, shock therapy and a special diet. Still nothing.
Next, menopause at 19. Shots quickly aged my body to that of a 60 year old woman. And you guessed it- no changes.
From the beginning all the drs told me 2 things would cure endometriosis… pregnancy or a hysterectomy. As a teenager neither interested me. I wanted to be a mother more than anything in this world… but the timing wasn’t right.
Once I reached my mid 20’s I was done with the pain - I wanted to be normal. I was happily married to a man who wanted children as much as I did. So, we’ll have a baby. Easy, right? At 15 weeks pregnant I lost my baby. My new dr was wonderful. He said all the right things.
“A lot of people lose their first pregnancy”,
“I’m optimistically hopeful. Everything will be ok.”
6 months later I did get pregnant again and we had a beautiful healthy daughter.
Well by now you know what happened… yep, the endo and the pain returned.
When my daughter was 2 we decided to try again. We wanted a sibling for our precious child and we figured we could buy me another 2 years of being pain free.
It took two years and another 2 heartbreaking miscarriages before we could add another daughter to our family. During this time I also had one last laproscopic surgery. I vowed to my family that this was it, no more surgeries for endo.
For 20 years I have suffered from a disease that few people talk about. 3 miscarriages- that again few people talk about. I’m tired of being quiet and not talking about my body. When people ask why there are 4 years age difference between our girls, I want to scream!
My body has failed me for the last time.
I’m finally tired!
Tired of hurting, tired of being in constant pain, tired of telling my girls I can’t play… I’M TIRED!
I’ve made my final decision.
It’s time… it’s time for the hysterectomy.
The pain started when I was a teenager… she complains a lot… she’s a teenager, she doesn’t know how she feels… it’s all in her head… only my mother and eventually my “lifesaver” dr believed me. After a battery of test, a colonoscopy, numerous trips to a psychiatrist- finally a diagnosis, endometriosis. Laparoscopic surgery to try and remove the endo was the first option.
I still remember opening my eyes after the surgery and saying,
“was it there?”
“Oh yeah” the dr replied “It was bad”.
After each surgery things got better for a while and then it would come back. The constant pain, the backache, the upset stomachs, the exhaustion… it always came back.
6 surgeries later I wanted to try something else. A new dr in Alabama tried physical therapy, shock therapy and a special diet. Still nothing.
Next, menopause at 19. Shots quickly aged my body to that of a 60 year old woman. And you guessed it- no changes.
From the beginning all the drs told me 2 things would cure endometriosis… pregnancy or a hysterectomy. As a teenager neither interested me. I wanted to be a mother more than anything in this world… but the timing wasn’t right.
Once I reached my mid 20’s I was done with the pain - I wanted to be normal. I was happily married to a man who wanted children as much as I did. So, we’ll have a baby. Easy, right? At 15 weeks pregnant I lost my baby. My new dr was wonderful. He said all the right things.
“A lot of people lose their first pregnancy”,
“I’m optimistically hopeful. Everything will be ok.”
6 months later I did get pregnant again and we had a beautiful healthy daughter.
Well by now you know what happened… yep, the endo and the pain returned.
When my daughter was 2 we decided to try again. We wanted a sibling for our precious child and we figured we could buy me another 2 years of being pain free.
It took two years and another 2 heartbreaking miscarriages before we could add another daughter to our family. During this time I also had one last laproscopic surgery. I vowed to my family that this was it, no more surgeries for endo.
For 20 years I have suffered from a disease that few people talk about. 3 miscarriages- that again few people talk about. I’m tired of being quiet and not talking about my body. When people ask why there are 4 years age difference between our girls, I want to scream!
My body has failed me for the last time.
I’m finally tired!
Tired of hurting, tired of being in constant pain, tired of telling my girls I can’t play… I’M TIRED!
I’ve made my final decision.
It’s time… it’s time for the hysterectomy.
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